A Simple Guide To Non-Autism

Hello folks, it occurred to me whilst reading some information on what an autistic person supposedly presents as, that it might be fun to flip the script, so to speak. I thought that it was time to describe non-autistic people the way we are described! I read a few different sources and have devised a rough layout similar to those used when describing ASD. Hopefully this will help to ensure the information can be read easily, as I know it can be hard for the poor non-autistics to follow along! (Everything in this post is satirical, just fyi!)

What is non-autism?

Non-autism is a condition which affects roughly 95-99% of the population. Some studies indicate that it’s becoming less prevalent, and that is all thanks to the tireless work of the vaccine scientists, who are slowly curing those afflicted by injecting microchips into them and exposing them to 5G waves.

What are some non-autism characteristics?

  • Read too much into social cues, often leading to miscommunication and hurt feelings
  • Obsession with staring at people’s eyeballs when talking to them
  • Seek out loud noises and bright lights in order to feel certain emotions (see: concert-going)
  • Get bored easily and dislike repetitive tasks
  • Have duller senses and seem not to notice overwhelming external stimuli
  • Speaks cryptically, hiding their true meaning behind sentences known as “metaphors”
  • Often intolerant of differences within other human beings
  • Lack of specialised interests, often accompanied by disregard for other people’s hobbies
  • Enjoys chaos and disorder in their day-to-day life

Possible causes

Some people have suggested that bad parenting, poor socialisation, or even childhood illness can cause non-autism. While there is substantial research suggesting that is not the case, scientists are still not entirely sure why some people develop non-autism and some don’t. Symptoms are usually present from birth and if your child is diagnosed with non-autism, it’s important that you accept this part of them, and do not make them feel ashamed. Many people with non-autism go on to live very successful lives, such as Meryl Streep, Kylie Jenner and Jonny Cash.

Non-autism is a spectrum condition

It might be helpful to think of non autistic people as falling under one of two labels: high-functioning and low-functioning:


These people have great success in their career, have a busy social life, earn huge amounts of money, are loved by everyone, are extremely athletic and have magnetic personalities.


These people usually achieve nothing of any worth career-wise, have no friends, spend their free-time alone because they aren’t fun to be around, and have no athletic potential at all.

While some people have suggested that these categories may be restrictive and benefit absolutely no-one, non-autism researchers feel that they are the best way to categorise those with the condition.

What to do if you suspect a loved one has non-autism:

It’s very important to talk to the person and explain that you want what is best for them, but you’ve noticed some deficits in their behaviour that have concerned you. Encourage the person to get a formal diagnosis, as without it, there is 0 help available, especially if they belong to any sort of minority.

Early intervention programs have shown promising results in ensuring a child can go about life without others noticing their ailment. This may come at the cost of their mental health, bodily autonomy and freedom to be themselves, but it avoids any potential family embarrassment and means you don’t have to learn how to adapt their life so they can be happy, and instead can force them to conform to your already established life.

Other useful information:

Levels of intelligence vary between non-autistic people. Some may exhibit intelligence higher than typical for their age, while some may sit firmly below the average. Additionally, some non-autistic people may have learning disabilities or other conditions that again impact on their daily life. It is impossible to know how the life of a non-autistic person will turn out, and so many charities are looking for genetic causes which, if found, would enable parents to evaluate whether to terminate the pregnancy based solely on the fact that their child would clearly suffer.*

Editor’s note: I want to make it absolutely clear that I am pro-choice, and fully support the right to an abortion. However, if your sole reason for abortion is not wanting a disabled kid, but would happily have a non-disabled kid, please take a long, hard look at your values because that’s fcked up.

Non-autistic people may face challenges in daily life, but with your support and only £10,000 a month, we can continue the fight against this terrible condition!

Thank you very much for reading!

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