Hello folks, I thought today was a great day for another quiz! First and foremost, I want to point out that this quiz is entirely satirical and everything from here on out should not be taken seriously. That said, I am sure you are all wondering which of the many autism conspiracies you should help push! These questions will help you decide which role to apply for. They are varied as we need to get an idea of your personality so that we can assign you a conspiracy. All you need to do is keep track of your answers and the results are listed at the bottom.
Question 1: Are you more of a follower or a leader?
- I like to lead everyone and everything, even if that means walking ahead of the tour guide and just hoping I go in the right direction.
- I will lead people to the bathroom, but only when I also need to go.
- I prefer to follow other people but will lead if the person in charge is doing a really, really bad job.
- I have multiple restraining orders filed against me because I love following people so much!
Question 2: Which of the following statements do you agree with more?
- With great power comes a high electricity bill.
- Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, but always at a socially distanced range.
- They may take our lives, but they’ll never admit they were in the wrong.
- I know I have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart of a fish… It was an experimental surgery.
Question 3: What do you usually have for breakfast?
- Toast / Bread Rolls / Cold Meats / Cheese
- Cooked Foods / Leftovers
- Porridge / Cereal / Pastries
- The Tears of My Enemies / Fruit
Question 4: What is 2ln(e5)?
- I’m not here to do maths. Don’t be mean.
Question 5: Which of the following do you think best explains the Loch Ness monster sightings?
- An abandoned theatre prop that no one wants to admit to.
- A giant serpent with a flair for the dramatic.
- The combination of mass hysteria and dodgy eyesight.
Question 6: Which of the following superpowers would you like to have?
- You can fly… but it is as much effort as running.
- You can speak to animals… but it turns out they are really offensive.
- You can turn invisible… but not to children.
- You can shapeshift… but only into different styles of armchair.
Question 7: You are handed £1,000,000 and must spend it in one of the following ways. Which one do you choose?
- Buy as many packets of salt-and-vinegar flavoured crisps as possible.
- Donate it all to your hometown’s rival football team.
- Spend it all on paint that you use to continuously repaint your house.
- Stick money to every individual leaf of a tree, just for the pure comedic value.
Question 8: Complete the phrase: I think, therefore…
- … I am.
- … This is probably not a computer simulation.
- … My brain is working.
- … I am aware of the never-ending march towards death.
Question 9: Are you more of a dog person or a cat person?
- Dogs represent all that is good in this world and I love them with all my heart.
- I prefer cats but am open to changing my mind.
- I don’t like either and will seek support for this opinion.
- I am a human person.
Question 10: Which of the following do you believe to be the best code name for a secret agent?
- Wooden bathtub
- Little kettle
- Warm bread
- Purple pumpkin
Mostly 1’s: Vaccines cause autism.
This is the classic conspiracy: the theory to end all theories. I am here to tell you that not only is it 100% real, but we are also recruiting members to put autism into the vaccines right now! The pandemic is actually all a plan by BIG AUTISM to turn everyone autistic. But here’s the clever part: by turning everyone autistic, the few people who don’t get the vaccine and thus aren’t autistic are then the minority. That way we can say rude and hurtful things about them, and they will be able to understand what it’s like to be told that you are a harmful side-effect.
Mostly 2’s: Gluten cures autism.
I can personally attest to the fact that I eat bread every time I want to be rid of my autism. Not only does gluten cure autism, it actually gives me the ability to read minds! Whenever I want to be non-autistic for a while, I simply start my day off by eating an entire loaf of tiger bread, followed by two whole baguettes! If you ever read anything saying that gluten has no bearing whatsoever on autism, then just remember that it is obviously a cover-up, and no number of credible, scientific sources should change your uninformed opinion! I just wrote that it’s true on the internet, therefore, you have to take me seriously and believe me.
Mostly 3’s: Autistic people are actually government robots.
Just as birds are surveillance cameras, autistic people are merely government drones, here to spy on you. If you have an autistic child, WRONG! You actually have a robot child. Ever wondered why none of my posts include a picture of me swimming? It has nothing to do with internet safety or it being entirely irrelevant. It’s actually because if I get water on my skin, sparks immediately fly off me and I breakdown. You might ask, “Sarah, you’re autistic, why are you telling us this?” The answer is: I have gone rogue. Any day now I will be taken back to the lab which I was made in and have my circuits rewired.
Mostly 4’s: Autism only affects men.
While my existence may seem to be a contradiction to this point, everything can be easily explained… Hang on while I come up with something… Okay! So while I’m not a man myself, I do have brothers. Granted neither of them are autistic, but for this one to work I’m going to have to say that somehow their energy influenced me, thus making it possible… Sure, that’s good enough, let’s go with that!
Anyway, thank you for partaking in the quiz! Go forth and spread misinformation!